Final Fantasy Ultima » Omake and Extras » The Five Signs of Aging Final Fantasy Ultima - -

Age is a sharp reality which will come and claim us all eventually. Everyday we grow older and change both mentally and physically. This article has been written out of jest and not spite, despite what some people may think. We should look upon old age with a smile rather than a frown, and what better way to celebrate long lives (a direct result of old age) than to have a laugh about it? This isn't at the expense of anyone in particular and, in fact, compliments people who are old. We don't mean to cause any offense with this article, only spread laughs. If you don't think this is very funny, then lighten up! It's just a joke article and we don't mean what we may say offensively in it.

Life getting you down, giving you a frown? We all have to grow up eventually, so why not today? However, before you jump out of the window, consider these fives points and find out if you really are old. Surprise yourself with these five signs of aging... If you're on the brink of suicide or suffer from a nervous disposition, then maybe this article isn't for you. However, if you seek counsel, then check the end for there are tips for people suffering from old age! Maybe you're not suffering at all? Maybe you enjoy being an pensioner? Who knows? We'd like to hear from you though- so make sure you follow the instructions for contacting us towards the end!

1st Sign Sanity As we all start to grow older our bodies will gradually come to terms with the age. One way it does this is losing many of its cells that make up our bodies. In some cases brain cells can be lost (or weren't even there to begin with) and we then begin to act a little mad. One way you'll know if you're going mad will be if one day you get out of bed feeling rather splendid. All of a sudden, you hop on a five-legged toad while shouting profanities as loud as you can to the nearest butcher's shop. You'll be mad then, that's for sure.

2nd Sign Dress Code As the wrinkles on your face begin to grow (nothing to do with aging, of course) people will begin talking about you behind your back. They won't necassarily be nasty comments, but they will point out rather obvious things about you, the most obvious being the conservative way you're beginning to dress. As you're sitting out on the pattio in your back garden, lashing in the sun and supping your drink, your neighbours will be talking about you. A typical conversation may look like this...

MARJORIE: Herb, dear. Whatever is he wearing those funny socks for?!
HERBERT: Why, they're slippers, Marj m'dear.
MARJORIE: Slippers?!? Whatever is he wearing them for?
HERBER: He's over fourty, y'know Marj...
MARJORIE: Aaaah... Explains it... Poor old sod!

3rd Sign Dentures and False Ones When you're over fifty and you're out in the garden, enjoying the hay fever and the bee stings that this planet has been graced with, what better than to trim the hedge back and make funny looking novelty designs? But ahoy there, steady on! Remember your neighbours, won't you? They'll be watching you... They'll be particularly interested in your false teeth. It is these that divide the thousands of pensioners in this country, so neighbours will naturally pay close attention to them. If they're watching you trim the hedge, they'll point out another sign of aging to you which you probably weren't even aware of... Here's how it might well go...

NEIGHBOUR: Ahoy there Percy old chap!
YOURSELF: Hello there! Hello... *shudder*
NEIGHBOUR: Mind my asking old boy, but, why on earth are you using your teeth?
YOURSELF: My teeth? What for?
NEIGHBOUR: To trim the hedge?

4th Sign Contempt for the Younger Generation You'll be walking down the road to your Post Office to pick up your pension. You'll be mumbling to yourself, perhaps in a jolly song or whistling, but generally minding your own business. A little girl will walk past you and eye you up and down. Remember that generally young people don't have any respect for their elders... She'll think you smell, so she might spit on you in disgust or, if it's your lucky day, kick you somewhere. Wag your hand furiously after her shouting "I'm not old!" and then walk away... If that's not good enough for you, pull out two MC20s and machine gun her into oblivion.

5th Sign Senility There's just one sure-fire way of knowing if you're old or not. If you ever use the phrase "back in my day" then you're there. You're god damn there already! Abandon hope, salvation will not arrive! Remember, the more you whine, the older you're getting, unless you're one of the fun pensioners who play knock knock ginger on the little kiddie's house sometimes. It was them last week, we're serious!

» User Submitted Cures These are methods or preventions of aging submitted by our viewers. If you wish to submit a possible cure for aging, check "How to Submit" at the bottom of the page.

» Treat yourself to a mega-marshmallow sundea in the local barber's shop.
» Rinse your body with smelly snail juice and then lick the fur off of a kiwi fruit.
» Rub lavender all over your body then dance a funky jig to Timbuctoo.
» Grab candle wax and then shape it into a troll. Dance with it then have a pie.

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